The ODI retirement of Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar

All the recent happenings notwithstanding, it's sad that I won't ever again watch Sachin Tendulkar walk out in India's colours, nor see his name on the scoreboard for a one-day international. I won't ever again feel the anticipation of him walking out to open the innings, squinting at the sky to get his eyes adjusted to the sunlight. I won't wonder if he's going to help us achieve that huge total, get us off to a flying start. His lustre and that of the one-day format might have diminished in recent years, but when I was growing up it his batting in the one-dayers was the most entertaining thing you could watch.

Thank you, Sachin, for all the years we secretly woke up to watch matches in Australia, for the years we stayed late watching you bat in the Caribbean. For the all the times we switched off our TV when you were declared out, because we cared less about the team's chances than about your performances. Not that the two were very disconnected. Thank you for your batsmanship, for standing up to the world's best fast bowlers, spinners and for your cliched lines at so many presentation ceremonies. "It's the team that matters", you've said. It did, it does. But not every die-hard fan of you always thought like that. Your poetry mattered, your ability to whoop ass mattered, your centuries mattered, your records mattered.

Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar, thank you for being a huge part of my generation's childhood. Fare thee well, old man.

A ton of tons

I don't get it. It's an awesome career. He's given us years of entertainment. But what is it with this '100 100s' nonsense? It's not even a milestone. It was never even a record. It's like one of those weird obsessions with times and dates: 'It will never be 11-11-11 ever in your life ever again'. What next - 50,000 balls faced? 1 million minutes of breathing on a cricket field? 10000 guard adjustments?

Enjoy the man, the sport and get over the orgasming over random numbers.

The world according to Shahid Afridi

Original heart pic courtesy: www.fallingpixel.com

Cricket Cup World Cup Cricket Cup World Cup

© Getty Images

It's an honour to watch this man lead our team with such dignity and poise.

© AFP

It's been a joy to watch this man bat and conduct himself the way he has for the past 21 years. I don't know if I will be able to watch cricket when he bows out.

© Associated Press

It's historic to have witnessed this. I can die happy now. 

What a World Cup it's been - India were favourites going into it and came out on top. I'd never have guessed that we could withstand so much pressure, but an Indian fan is never pessimistic (or even realistic) about these things. Thank you Indian cricket team for all the memories.

For those of you saying this isn't a 'World Cup', 17.5% of the world's population parties tonight (Credit: Friend on Facebook). If that isn't a World Cup, I don't know what is.

PS: If you don't know what the subject of this blog post is all about, you missed the song of the cup.

A farewell rhyme for 2010

Scams of epic proportions in India,
Silence and then much noise on matters Radia.
Apple ne humko iPad diya.
And that Kalmadi fellow, he made lakhs ya.

Arundathi put the sexy into secede,
We saw Ayodhya play it safe and proceed,
Then Obama graced us with his presence,
As Nithyananda seduced people with incense
And the Pope fought issues with nonsense.

We were left wondering,
As we confused causation with correlation,
Do we call the rich man 'king'?
Or is the richest man called Raja, by conflation.
Oh yeah, and we also had serious inflation.

Somehow we still completed the CWG,
And before that, the DLF IPL 3.
But in neither case was the follow-up very good,
Suresh and Shashi were not sufficiently screwed.
Manmohan Singh just nodded his head and stood.

Sachin's run machine was at its strongest ever,
And the world came down with World Cup fever,
There once was a dog called Spot,
And just for fixing it, poor Pakistan were caught.
Again Manmohan did nought.

The Indian blogosphere scales new heights,
As rameshsrivats puns and krishashok writes.
(Heck, the latter even has soundbytes.)
We can now make any topic trend,
And even break media silence in the end.

Assange's leaks made headlines everywhere,
For top secret documents and then for a condom tear.
If you're leaking, you might as well leak some runs,
And give Sachin half a ton of tons.

And so 2010 is done.
If only 2011 is half as much fun.
Because anyway in 2012, we're all done.
Happy MMXI everyone.

A personal appeal from Jimmy Wales

An extremely personal, Wikipedia-style appeal from Jimmy Wales.

But seriously though, give to Wikipedia. It's probably the best sort of charity you can do. You use it like it's free, don't you?

Ads for 'Innovative' products from the future

In an attempt to be innovative, companies are constantly adding more of the same stuff in their products. New 'technology' and 'features' are designed to make our lives easier. While this might be true in many cases, have these two products from the future gone too far?

Product from 2016: Gillette Super7

Tagline:

Gillette: How blade are we?

Slogan: 

When your stubble is too stubborn for six slicers.

Copy:
The number seven is the number of balance. Not as many as eight, but far superior to six, Super7 has just the right number of blades for a super comfortable shave, should you still have any skin left on that face. This time (as usual) we promise a super close shave and you have no choice but to believe us as our brand ambassador, recently rehabbed pop star, Justin Bieber shows his clean-shaven mug.
[Note: Actual results may differ depending on whether or not you have real hair growing on your face]

Product from 2012: Facebook version 1 million

Tagline + Slogan:

Art: Facebook version 1 million 

Copy: 

Want to show the friends you don't have in real life how many friends you really have? Have you ever pondered existential questions like when you will die, how good you are in bed or which Bollywood star you are? Do you want all your communication with family and friends to be reduced to a 'Like' or 'hai hru doing'? Then Facebook is the thing for you! Secretly pry on your partner's hot friend's photographs and go a step further with the super poke 3D, which lets you poke people - in 3D! But that's not all. You can like stuff you could never imagine, as our brand ambassadors' status message proves. So what are you waiting for? It's time you got a life, it's time you got Facebook.

Burn, Bedi burn! Flames-a-get-a-higher.

The whole Muttiah Muralidaran-BSB (I love how that shortens to an ignominous short form) flare-up is such a waste of time.

It's the equivalent of two children going:
"You stole my mucus ball."
"No you gave it to me."
"Who gives away a mucus ball?"

I really think BS Bedi (another brilliant abbreviation) is the one who deserves a full toss on the balls. And I don't mean slow left arm flighted deliveries either. He's one of those irritating people who gets his kicks out of calling others names and such; he had this coming to him.

The worst part, of course, is non-entities like Maninder Singh chiming in. Supposed to be the heir to BSB, he only had the hair of BSB and his claim to fame was being responsible for India tying a winning test match. He's so much better off being in the news for 'accidentally' attempting suicide.

And before I end, the J-Rod links the best in this post to the best. The man is quite random, and you must follow him on Twitter for unadulterated cricket fun.

A World T20 ditty

Anyone can bowl short to our batters,
A little bounce sees them in tatters.
It makes Gambhir looks very serious,
And Murali Vijay, he don't seem victorious.
The man beast can't play the hook or the pull,
The only beast he resembles is a lot of bull.
And all Mr Yuvi can do is push and prod,
That, and wobble his jiggly bod.
Heck, no wonder everyone's sobriquet isn't 'God'.

It's not for us - this pulling and cutting,
We're more comfortable with slogging and ducking.
But captain courageous did score a few runs,
And the other CSK boy Raina even got a ton.
All in all, it wasn't such a bad trip,
At least it the boys had a Caribbean dip.
Hey you know what the BCCI can now do,
After the money-counting is through?

Perhaps they can organize a party or two.

(Image Copyright AFP)

Ravi Shastri commentary generator

This is a small but definitive step in replacing Ravi Shastri's commentary with a simple computer program.
User Manual:
1. Please press the 'Shastri sez' button to get started.
2. You can Tweet a comment that you like by clicking on 'Tweet'. If something goes wrong, simply press back.
3. Provide more Shastri stock phrases to enrich the engine.

P.S: This might not work in a feed reader. Please visit the site to check it out.

A little pre-Easter Humor

Said vs meant, featuring Shahid Afridi

The most ironic news of recent times has to be that of Afridi calling upon Mohammad Yousuf to reconsider his decision of retirement. Afridi should know - given that he announced retirement when his career went through a trough. And now he has bounced back from being banned to being named captain.

A quick translation of what he said.

What he said I think Yousuf is taking an emotional decision, but I think he must reconsider his decision because he still has a lot to give to Pakistan cricket. Yousuf I think has been affected by the recent happenings and is upset with the ban on him, but he is a senior player and he must handle the situation. He must not take an emotional decision. We have a lot of Test matches coming up in next 10 to 12 months and we need his experience against the top teams like Australia, England, South Africa and New Zealand.

What he meant He'll look like an idiot if he takes it back. I did. Plus he bats really well. Nowhere near as inconsistent as me. Ban schman. For all you know, he'll be captain tomorrow. Oh no, I have to put this more subtly. By commenting on Test cricket, I am vying for the post of captain in that form of the sport also. Gimme a shot, selectors.

Anyway, rhetorical question - what's not emotional about Pakistani cricket?

Shahid Afridi's captaincy acceptance speech

After the recent appointment of Shahid Afridi as captain, the evergreen boy rounded up his team mates to inspire them to World Cup Glory. DH has an exclusive transcript of his speech.

Friends, team mates and people who know me from the past two decades of my 20's,

A dream has been fulfilled. No, I am not retiring again. I am here to tell you all that I have been named your Lord, master and captain.

We are a team that thrives on unpredictability. No question is as simple as it seems. Can a banned player get a President's award? Am I a leggie or a quickie? How long is a lifetime ban? Have I had breakfast? You never really know.

But there's one tournament where we have been predictable - the T20 World Cup. In the first edition, we came second and in the second edition we came first. This is not only a testament to our consistency, but also a pretty nifty arithmetic progression. According to my calculations, we should be on the negative side of the number line very soon. But enough ou already know about my mad math skillz from my complex age formula. So let me jump straight to the motivational part.

We must come together as a team now to play our first important series after the banning of Mohammed and Younis bhais. It won't be difficult - you lot have been lucky enough to be blessed with a dynamic leader. That tells me that the Pakistani team, especially me, has a lot of talent. I want every one of you to feel that pride.

Our past has not been perfect. But I'm not thinking of our flaws. I'm not thinking of the time when Misbah acted like a moron to scoop that catch up in the first T20 World Cup final or when people violated my privacy and saw me scrape the pitch against England. The time has come for us to forget those blemishes and step up. Let us practise hard starting today, so that we can fulfil my dream of becoming the youngest captain to win a T20 tournament, or at the very least get ahead in the race for becoming the Karachi City Cricket Association captain.

Are you all with me?

Behind the scenes of CSK vs KXIP match

On the Super Sunday of 21st of March 2010, another IPL match was meandering to a boring result. Suddenly the IPL Chief, in a Citi moment of success, reached for his Maxx Mobile and called the owners of the Chennai Super Kings and Kings XI Punjab. Here's what transpired.


Phone call 1
Lalit Kumar Modi: Hello, is this the India Cements guy?
India Cements Guy: Yes.
LKM: Dude, what is going on? Those Priety boys have crawled to a piddly total and you guys are in a crawl race to get there? Can you BE any more boring? Do you think you're making a footpath?
ICG: Lalit, it's a planned strategy for us to win...
LKM: I don't give a rats ass about your victory. Listen, this is not the cement industry, this is entertainment. Making solid structures is not the idea. Tell your batsmen to push it to the end and go to Super Over or something.
ICG: But, they're playing so well...
LKM: My mortar man, if I wanted quality, I would have invited Hema Malini to be a cheerleader. But you don't see that booty shaking around here, do you?
ICG: And after that?
LKM: After that booty shakes, there's no saying what will happen...
ICG: No, I mean after the super over.
LKM:.You guys make cement right? You'll put it together.
ICG: As sure as our jerseys are yellow, you will have a great match, Lalit. Our brand is about trust and quality and... hello? Hello?

Phone Call 2
LKM: Hi Priety.
PZ: Oh hiiiiii Lallu. I'm having so much fun, see how the boys are running na...
LKM: Please pass the phone to Ness Wadia.
PZ: Nessssiiiiee...
LKM: Ness, your team's getting creamed.
NW: I know, Priety doesn't understand the sport, she just likes men running around...
LKM: I'm not calling about that. I've told those yellow idiots to get out pretending to hit big shots.
NW: Did they have to make it that obvious? Gony's shot was ridiculous.
LKM: That's ok, as long as that guy who made that Facebook comic about me doesn't find out and blog about it, we should be ok. Listen, the idea is a super over.
NW: Ok cool. Hey, but please let us win na? We haven't won anything in a long while. Team is quite useless.
(Background: Priety screaming, "Hiiii Nesssssiiiiieeeee, they're all saying that Irfieee bowled a Super Over. i'm going 2 hug sum ppl!!!!!")
LKM: Ok, I will talk in code now.
NW: Why? Whatever.
LKM: The mongoose will be bitten by a snake and the Raina won't shower more than once.
NW: What?
LKM: Ok yaar, you can win this one. But only under one condition.
NW: Anything.
LKM: Yuvi must make arrogant-face. Deflects from his moobs and tummy. And gets good ratings.
NW: Consider it done.

 (Image courtesy: The Hindu)

Lalit Modi's Facebook activities - a webcomic

Click here for higher resolution.

Please retweet (see link above) or share this comic if you liked it.

Aman ki arse-whooping

While ToI tried to do a bang-up job of trying to impress us with a 'peace initiative' called Aman ki Asha, the real Aman ki arse-whooping happened in the IPL auction, with none of the franchises bidding for Pakistani players.

Of course, this has nothing to do with the lack of desire for peace between the two countries. But given the proclivity of the Pak-based terrorists to attack even friendly cricket teams, it's just a safer choice to keep the neighbouring cricketers out of the team in the first place than have to 'ban' the players after an untoward incident takes place.

And just like that, I shall now break into verse.

Aman ki asha got whooped,
As no Pak player got booked,
As the IPL franchise kooks,
Even splurged on Shane Bond.

The Pak players now feel hurt,
Their nation is insulted they blurt,
Cricket's image is damaged, they assert.
But what about when LeT attacked the Lankans?

If anyone really is to blame,
It's not the administrators of the game.
The culprits are always the same,
They're the blasted terrorists.

The psychology of underestimation

According to the Times of India:

(Sangakkara) ...refused to underestimate Gambhir's replacement Murali Vijay, who has played just one Test in his still nascent international career. 

 He further went on to say:

Gambhir's absence means the new guy coming in (M Vijay) will be really hungry to make a mark. To exploit that is our responsibility, we will try and do that.

Let us analyse this overestimation for a second. 'New guy', '(weakness to) exploit' - the paeans must be having Murali dancing in joy. A crisis of overconfidence is in the offing for Mr Vijay. Why, they might even worship the man before the start of the match for good luck.

Oh, and guess why Gambhir beta is missing the third test? Sister's wedding. Work-life balance must be so much tougher when you're in the public eye. Imagine if we lose because of a poor opening partnership. Ah, well.
(Picture courtesy: cricketgallery.oneindia.in)

Breaking blogger's block: An arc, a circle, various figures of speech, Rushdie and the color of Superman's underwear

"So you've come round, huh?", said the arc to circle.
"Of course, fully."
"These idiots played three teams, not even a single one in the semis. Pah!", a despondent looking arc exclaimed.
"Not a single team in the semi-finals, because not a single team was good enough. Not a single team was good enough because they all come from the BCCI stable. And we know what that produces - stinking teams that never win anything with the word 'Champions' in the title."
"Circular logic, but sound at that. Circle, I love you."
"Yes Arc, I complete you."
"Can this get any cornier, golu baby?"
"Yes, of course, this can degenerate into a rant about the same topic with various figures of speech and a reference to Salman Rushdie and the color of Superman's underwear."

Same topic with various figures of speech and a reference to Salman Rushdie and the color of Superman's underwear

Ahh. So it comes to pass. The three top teams of the prestigious IPL come undone and fail to make it to the top 4 of the series. After the Indian team getting its arse kicked in the recently concluded Champion's Trophy, it's time for the IPL champs to bring glorious ignominy to the nation.

It's ironic that the richest cricket board produces the losingest teams. In fact, it's always ironic when one extreme produces another extreme result. Extremes are also interesting when used in another figure of speech - the paradox. As a character in Rushdie's 'The Enchantress of Florence' points out any paradox can be used to feign wisdom. Examples of this could be, "His wealth belies the poverty of the soul" or "Laughter disguises a deep-seated sorrow" or "Her life couldn't give her what death could" and so on. Fret not, dear reader, my digressions are but the milestones to the destination.

So, about the Indian Premiere League producing the non-premiere performers. Let me illustrate this further using metaphors. This is like Superman fighting crime in Metropolis but going to Gotham City and getting creamed. Wouldn't that hurt? Not just in a phsyical sense, but it would wound him emotionally to know that he failed when a non-hero with dull-colored underwear, (really, isn't that what Batman is) a pointy-eared mask and a pubescent sidekick can fight crime better. This would be like the American basketball team being unable to win medals in the Olympics. Like DLF not being able to build houses outside India. Like England never winning a World Cup. And so, round comes the metaphor-cycle to cricket. Or were those similes?

I will never again do this, I promise. Breaking blogger's block has been harder than I imagined. But we break free only to be trapped again. Like a jaguar in chains, like a blogger in a block...

Shock deaths

I begin today's post by a quote related to YSR's death and the 'shock deaths' controversy that followed. It wasn't enough that upto 600 'bogus' deaths were reported. To justify that the deaths weren't bogus, a member of the legislative assembly says:

Even we thought of committing suicide after learning about the death of our great leader. We are ready to sacrifice our lives and we don't need politics minus YSR's family.

Eh? Sacrifice should be for some cause, no? Randomly killing yourself because someone you respect died isn't sacrifice. It's general suicidal tendency. More shocking details here.

Oh, and speaking of shock what a bizarre day it was with all of India cheering for Pakistan to win today. A thriller of a match, but it was not to be. Bye bye Champions Trophy. Now the analysis will start - "This isn't the best team", "Dhoni should have slept facing the west", "Why was Dinesh Karthik picked?" etc. But the fact of the matter is, as @Sidin pointed out - We lost only one match. What a crappy tournament format.

Please excuse me now while I attempt suicide.

Why India lost to Pakistan

There are can only be three reasons, no?

(Screenshot from dnaindia.com)