Why 'Machete' works

This piece was first published on Yahoo Fit to Post here.

What can you say about a movie whose most important elements are nudity, gore, over-the-top lines and humor as subtle as its title? Well, what else except – Robert Rodriquez, thanks for making Machete – a movie that goes well with beer and the company of my fellow male friends.

I would label this write-up as a spoiler alert, but then the plot isn’t exactly the most interesting bit about the movie. In fact, for a movie like Machete that thrives on compromising believability for coolness, stretched plot elements comfortably sneak in unnoticed under the already raised threshold of suspended belief. So if you don’t want to hear plot elements and dialogues from the movie, stop reading right now.

See? I knew you couldn’t resist. To put it succinctly, this movie is about a political ploy of a crooked politician financed by a Mexican druglord that aims to build an electrified fence on the American border with Mexico so that said druglord can be in complete control of the supply of illegal labour.

Incongruity is at the heart of all the funny moments in Machete. Things that are too neat, out of place or of the wrong size are cues for laugh-out-loud moments. This is evident when you get a bad-ass macho guy refer to himself in the third person to explain his unfamiliarity with technology with a line like, “Machete don’t text”. This humor device re-occurs when you see a priest who neatly labels reports and recordings of his confessions, the bad guy who encrypts his files with a password that reveals he is in love with his daughter and a white kid who oddly resembles Eminem fights for the Mexicans because he is Mexican by adoption.

Machete isn’t the most intellectually challenging movie you’ve ever seen, I’m sure that much is clear even without seeing the trailer. You go to such a movie to forget about your hard day at work, you go for getting guy-time, you go for everything a typical man’s chick flick (credit: someone on Twitter who I can’t remember) offers you. Machete is the retro man’s 007 – he sleeps with many women in the movie including Lindsay Lohan’s and her mom’s characters (at the same time). Lindsay Lohan, who for the majority of the movie is dressed in her birthday suit or a nun’s habit incidentally doesn’t seem to realize that the role pokes fun at her real self. She plays a rich, spoilt drug addict. Robert de Niro plays a politician so crooked that you enjoy him being shot at as he is being electrocuted. Steven Seagal who plays, of all things, a Mexican druglord is dressed in a way that makes him look oddly pear-shaped, but then you feel that this is probably because it made it easier to shoot the scene in the end where he turns the blade lodged in his abdomen and twists it. The inimitable Danny Trejo, of course had to be the only choice for Machete after he played the character in a fake trailer from the Rodriguez-Tarantino ‘Grindhouse’. He acts with a stony face and mutilates without mercy.

So kick back, open a beer, be prepared for cheesy lines like, “We didn’t cross the border, the border crossed us”; laugh out loud when the protagonist has sex with the bad guy’s wife and daughter; smile when the burly hero uses his podgy fingers to send out a text, soak in the cool as the many shapes and varieties of Machete’s blade cut through skin, flesh and bone, and applaud when Machete uses a human intestine as an escape rope.

The movie doesn’t take itself too seriously, and neither should you. Oh, and don’t take your wife* along.

*I apologise for stereotyping wives as women not liking mindless gore and nude threesomes including Lindsay Lohan, but it was just convenient for this piece.

Avatar

Every tweet or Facebook status message I read about Avatar said something positive about it, so let me bevel the playing field a little by giving my one good and one bad cent about it. 

To begin with, I must say that the movie is probably one of the best experiences I've had. Right up there with the reverse bungee this time last year in Singapore. I felt like I was transported to a different planet. I could not only see the flora, fauna and people there, but I could almost touch and smell the place. I was there when Jake Sully chased Neytiri playfully on the branch of the largest tree I have ever seen. I saw her expressions as she moved from coy to angry to forgiving. Not for a moment did any part of the planet, or for that matter, the human weapons, planes and devices look fake. I even believed that the mountains that floated in the sky were real. All in all, the visuals were stunning; bringing to life a fantastic alien world which somehow I could understand, because of its many underlying similarities with Earth. Speaking of Earth, there was also a reference to the whole global warming issue with lines like 'These people have destroyed their world and now they've come to destroy ours' splashed around for good measure.

And that brings us, ever so gently, to the downside. While the experience was amazing, the visuals breathtaking and the 3D excellent, as a movie (as defined in the traditional sense) 'Avatar' was simply ok. Not exceptional, mind blowing, unparalleled or any of those overblown adjectives that have been used in reference to it. The plot was what you could guess from the trailer, the characters were a little too black and white (many of them were blue, but you know what I mean) and there were not too many killer dialogues that resonated with me. Some things were downright silly, like the name of an unobtainable, expensive mineral which was called, hold your breath, 'Unobtanium'. The bad guys were really bad, the good guy was a super stud and there were small optical fiber like endings in the natives' hair that connected with everything from horses to birds to trees. There was also much synchronised chanting around a huge tree by the native populace which reminded me of many Hindi movie dance sequences.

So there you have it; I hope all this dissing corrects your expectations a little in case you're planning to see the film. Make no mistake, it's truly unmissable despite all its flaws; movies like this don't come along too often. Definitely worth a watch - if only to get a cheap ticket to visit a fantastic new planet. Here's wishing you a happy journey!

Overall rating: 8 / 10

Hindi movie day

Today was officially watch-Hindi-movies-in-the-theater-so-that-you-can-utilize-that-unlimited-movie-card day.

Paa
This was the movie we actually set out to watch. After my last movie, expectations from Bollywood in general were at rock bottom. But Paa was not too bad. Based on a kid who has progeria (similar to the premise of Jack which featured Robin Williams), this movie has some funny moments. The senti stuff and the hooks (stupid dance and weird clock in London) were a bit overdone for my taste, but there were gems such as Auro's (the child afflicted with the disease played by Amitabh Bachchan) school friend criticising his father in a humorous exchange, the relatonship between Auro and a girl in school and some of Amitabh's acting itself.

The movie also tries to send some general social messages supporting politicians and criticizing illegal occupants, but thankfully it's not preachy enough to turn you off. It's kind of boring in parts, especially towards the end, but overall was not too bad. Amitabh's make-up is phenomenal and everyone else has done a good job with the acting. I think the movie could have done with some better editing though, the flow just didn't work for me.
Rating: 5/10

So when you're out on a Friday and there's another movie playing right after you finish your first one, what do you do? Especially, when the tickets are free? Faced with this simple question, we did the only thing we could - buy nachos and beer and settle down for another movie.

Rocket Singh: Salesman of the year

Again, after my last movie and the movie poster in general, I had given up on this as another crap comedy with poor taste. The wife and I decided to laugh at all stupid jokes as loudly as possible because the movie was, as the Dutch say, gratis. Surprisingly, this was the better of the two movies. In fact, it was better than quite a few Hindi movies I've seen. There wasn't too much unnecessary dialogue or an irritating love story. Ranbir acts marvelously, aided by an excellent supporting cast and a solid script.

The sales culture in the first 15-20 minutes movie was accurately captured (speaking as someone whose been there) and some of the Bambaiyya humor totally resonated with me. This movie tells the story of an ignored and humiliated sales trainee who builds another firm in parallel and ends up rivaling his existing employer.

Sure the story is kind of 'honesty is the best policy' and the tempo gets a little hit towards the end, but these are just a few elements in an otherwise excellent movie. What I really love about this movie, apart from the rest of the obvious stuff was its background score - punchy when required and some of the melody lines were surprisingly intricate for a Hindi movie soundtrack. Watch this movie if you want a non-masala, but still Bollywood movie. It's no Dev D. or Luck By Chance, but it's interesting enough to merit a watch.
Rating: 7 / 10

Oh and speaking of movies, also do check out 'Precious'. I won't write much about it because it's better to go in without an idea of what's coming, that's what I did anyway. Also, for me it came on a day where I watched Sunitha Krishnan's video, so it made quite an impression. A phenomenal, chilling story of Claireece 'Precious' Jones, a black, obese 16-year old mother and her life and trials in Harlem. Definitely a must watch.
Rating: 8/10

Happy movie watching!
(Pic courtesy: Bollywoodhungama.com)

How to make a movie like 'Twilight Saga: New Moon'

1. Have the protagonist repeat lines like, "I will never ever leave you" and "You are my reason for breathing" at least 10 times. Heck, have some other guys repeat it too.
   
2. Ensure the lead actors talk like they're out of breath. Ensure that they look in the mid-distance and not at the faces of people when doing so. Thus something like, "I care for you" becomes a much more dramatic and intense "I... care... for... you..."
3. Have men take off their shirts and sport six packs where possible.
4. Prepare shots such that when the leading man and lady kiss, they do it in a way that resembles people without arms desperately trying to satisfy a nose itch on a rough surface.
5. Whenever the supposedly-hot male lead appears, ensure he stands in an SRK like pose, so that you only see him in a semi-side profile.
6. Have an awesome story line that has (gasp!) touching moments like the leading lady showing her willingness to die for the main man and vice versa.
7. Throw in some vampires and werewolves. Garnish with special effects and more corny one-liners.
8. The movie is served and ready to be consumed for your puking pleasure.

Again, if you go in with low expectations and your brain switched off and your patience turned up to max, this is probably something that you're going to enjoy, but I thought it stank. Don't waste quality weekend time on something like this. Get some sleep instead.

My rating: 2/10

(Image courtesy: www.soundonsight.org)

Strange love's awesome story

As far as laws go, a couple of things need to change in India, especially the one regarding drinking in public places such as movie theaters. I know it's a big step, but then how else can one tolerate movies like Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani?

The day started off well enough, with a bike trip around Amsterdam which included a 12 km cycle route courtesy Mike's Bikes. This was followed by a leisurely stroll around the heart of the city and dinner at a Sports Bar with rowdy English fans falling all over the place. So since I wanted to end the day on a high, I really had to take some serious action. I'm not talking about something as pedantic as smoking a joint or having magic mushrooms. I'm talking APKGK.

Sometimes when things are terrible, you must be an optimist and look at the positives. So, since I'm feeling generous, I must say this:

• Ranbir Kapoor is so cute. and
• Beer makes a crap movie better.

These were the two factors that kept me going throughout the collection of super cliched jokes and situations including the mandatory chase sequences, 'funny fight scenes', corny love story, forced acting and ridiculous co-incidences like the hero and leading lady both being vegetarian and (horrors) stammering when they're upset.

Despite such ridiculous situations there was one brilliant joke in the movie where (Spoiler alert) Salman Khan (playing himself) gets introduced to Katrina Kaif and admonishes Ranbir for introducing her almost as though she was Sallu's own girlfriend. Very nicely done, despite Salman's accent.

However, the magic realism really became too much though when random pre-independence British authorities and Jesus Christ made their appearance to push the story line into oblivion. In terms of performances, Upen Patel gives a stellar performance in his role of irritating guy 1, Katrina Kaif still tries to act despite looking so good and did I say that Ranbir Kapoor is very cute? However, some of the supporting cast including Darshan Zariwala as RK's father acted as glue to keep the crap together.

Overall, I would say if you're in a theater filled with people who laugh at nonsenical jokes, have the permission or gumption to carry alcohol to the movie, or have just had a generally bad day, this might be a way of killing of some valuable time. For what it's worth, I would like my 3 hours back.

Kambhakkt Ishq - the review

For some reason my movie-watching frequency at theaters has taken a nosedive in the recent past. So maybe it was desperation that led me to watch Kambhakkt Ishq when a friend who recently moved into town invited me. After I watched it though, I could think of only one word for it - brilliant.
(Left: Akshay Kumar and Kareena Kapoor - wincing in delight)

Its punchy storyline and ultrakewl production design have you in awe from the first second. The script essays the antics of a very hot Indian-origin-soon-to-be-surgeon-cum-part-time-model in the US who tries to recover her mantra-chanting watch which she accidentally leaves inside a Hollywood stuntman whom she hates during her first surgery, only to discover that both of them are inconsolably, unspeakably, indisputably in love.

No, really.

This plot, my friend, is a flash of inspiration from the Gods. We can only wonder how such a brilliant storyline escaped the consciousness of all script writers, past, present and future.

Apart from the general brilliance, there is also a very tasteful scene in which an African-American lady digs into Akshay Kumar's butthole looking for smuggled goods. Of course, this is all in good humour and hence the movie is rated UA.

Annuuuu Mallliiiikkk - dear Lord. He, with any other spelling would smell the same. The song, 'Bebo, main bebo' had me tapping my feet in the cinema hall, but I had to stop because the person seated in front of me had a slight dislocation of the spinal cord. I also saw many others tap their feet out of the theater at this stage. They must have had something real important to do, because they missed one HELL of a movie.

There is also the presence of Hollywood, thus validating this movie for kewlness. I mean really, we are cool so we must like Hollywood films and their stars, right? So Stallone plays a cameo as himself, and not only does he give a Taurus award to Akki at an awards ceremony studded with fake stars, he even rescues surgeon Kareena and lingerie model Amrita Arora while they are driving through a shady neighbourhood with that Aftab fellow who never does any major roles. Mr Balboa just happens to be walking by at that time. After punching the lights out of the goons, he says 'Kambhaaaakt Eeeeessshk', for no particular reason and resumes his walk, this time (hold your breath) in slow motion.

Also there is Denise Richards, who seems to have reduced in quantity to Denise Richard as Akki-playa-Kumar calls her. We couldn't handle more than one of her, but one is just about right I think. Especially since our man dumps her for the surgeon with whom he finally finds trulowe.

So please, take your infants, toddlers, pre-teenagers and other family members to this movie. It's an experience you will never forget. Never.

Rating: 0.5 / 10

Seven Pounds - The review

I have nothing against slow movies. I like some of them, I really do. But I don't like slow and stupid. And that's exactly what 'Seven Pounds' is. This Will Smith starrer had me reaching under my skin and pulling my organs out!

During the first half of the movie, you feel like you're being set up for something - a wild twist or at least an interesting ending, but by the end of the movie you just feel plain set up.

The movie follows an IRS agent Ben Thomas who goes around meeting people to make judgments about whether they are basically good or bad people. That very notion makes the movie a little immature as against something like 'Crash' which showed different sides of human personalities so beautifully. You have no idea why he's doing this (or at least that's what the script assumes you think), but you don't need any exceptional prescience to feel a crappy revelation coming on; and this is what the the fate of the movie rests on - a mushy, boring and contrived 'twist'.

As it plays out, the ending scores high on the cheesometer (a couple of notches below Hancock maybe, but that's still quite high) and some bizarre structuring fails to pick it up. After a few flashbacks and leading hints questions like, "What happened in his past life?" and "What does this lead to?" start giving way to "Why are they tormenting me so?" and "Where should I have dinner after this?"

The characters are poorly developed with the judgmental protaganist being the most ordinary of them all. Will Smith has acted well, so too have most of the actors, but there's only so much lipstick you can put on a pig. Gabriele Muccino's direction fails to come even close to the magic of 'Happy-ness' and the movie's meandering dialogue and uni-dimensional plot fail to engross you at any point . The teary-eyed characters are a constant reminder to the fact that you are completely wasting precious minutes of your life.

One-line review: Slow, boring and entirely missable. It's a 4 on 10.

Luck By Chance - The review

Last year's Om Shanti Om (I know, I know. You hate it.) had some incredible hamming by Deepika Padukone and Shah Rukh Khan as actors from the 70's in the Hindi Film Industry. I found this refreshing in that the industry was finally learning to laugh at itself. This year's 'Luck by Chance' takes it one step further by casting a meticulously constructed, critical yet fairly realistic eye on the workings of the Maya-nagari dream factory.

Farhan Akhtar plays a smart, confident, struggling actor trying to make his mark. His big break happens when a major star, played by Hrithik Roshan turns down the producer who gave him his first break. Rishi Kapoor is awesome here, he plays a very atypical role. However, the movie-within-the-movie needs to succeed as it is a debut for a starlet played by Isha Sharwani who's mother (Dimple Kapadia) is one of those Bollywood moms obsessed with ensuring their daughters do well. The gist of it is [minor spoiler alert] that Farhan gets the role and plays a lead character of the movie, but finds it difficult to keep his old life going. His girlfriend played by Konkona Sen Sharma, also a struggling actor goes through all the ups and downs and more on account of her relationship with him.

The interesting thing about the movie is that it works a very real premise - that of new stars being given headlining roles only when starlets or already established stars refuse to do them. The film cites Amitabh Bachchan in 'Zanjeer' and Shah Rukh Khan in 'Darr' and 'Baazigar' to lend credibility to that claim.

The movie is anchored in reality; the characters are not too shallow and it leaves a few ends loose on purpose (for example, Farhan never knows that Konkona had a hand in him getting his break). However what starts as a light comedy, moves into a slightly more serious mode with the protagonist using whatever means necessary to get ahead in the business - some smart and some not necessarily ethical. The end is a bit of a let down and what should have been about 10-15 minutes of material has been stretched to at least half an hour. There are a couple of songs (overall, I didn't like the music much except the one song where Farhan waits for the audition) which leaves you wondering whether they should have been there at all and maybe one too many characters.

Overall though, it's a very good, real look at the Hindi movie industry (I'm not using the term 'Bollywood' after seeing one of the characters dislike for the term!). Technically it's a good film, a few archaic scene fadeouts notwithstanding. The irony of it all is that there are so many star kids in the movie themselves, starting with the hero and all those making cameo appearances from Abhishek to Viveayik (is that how it's spelt now?).

One line review - a fine, fresh movie and a definite must watch. I give it a 7.5 on 10.

Movie Review - "Sorry, bhai!"

Now that we've resiliently moved on from the terrorist attacks, it's time to do a little movie review. Today we feature 'Sorry, bhai!'.

Bollywood has been getting bolder about challenging the value systems portrayed on screen so far, from extra-marital affairs, the Lolita style 'Nishabdh', the wildly controversial 'Fire', and even the boring 'Dostana'. Not that it's always a good thing, as some of these movies prove. 'Sorry, bhai!' is another movie that, at it's heart, challenges some fundamental 'values' that were the staple of Bollywood films for years.

The film is largely a flashback of a family comprising Sharman Joshi, Sanjay Suri, Chitrangada Singh (Va-va-voom!), Boman Irani, a couple of kids and a deceased mother. It starts out on a humorous note with Joshi, the mad scientist trying to prove the existence of tele-kinetic energy with the help of a plastic dog called 'Einstein'. His absent-minded-scientist forgetfulness and boyish acting is the source of much of the film's humor.

As the trailers show, this movie is obviously one of a younger brother doing something he's not proud of with his brother's fiancee. (Hence, the title 'Sorry, bhai!'). That is the only spoiler you'll read here. The heart of the movie is the nicely woven chemistry between the members of the dysfunctional family and the daughter-in-law to be, owing in no small part to the veterans Boman Irani and Shabana Azmi. Boman Irani is the typical happy dad, and Shabana does a great job of portraying a tough-as-nails mother with a softer side, but the movie brings out their weak and strong moments well, making them more human. The very hot Chitrangada Singh also does a good job of playing the 'Draupadi' of the film as someone in the audience pointed out. I take this opportunity to make a special mention for the loser who kept screaming his opinions throughout the movie. Fuck you. May your mouth be riddled with worms.

Speaking of negatives, the only problem I had with the film was the rather slow and lack lustre last forty-five minutes or so. It took away from the interaction between the characters and the songs seemed wrongly timed. There was a little too much boo-hoo-life's-so-tough for my liking and it certainly took the sheen off the enormous expectations that the first half built.

All, in all, I had a feeling that this would be a damp squib and the only reason I watched it was that I had a few hours to kill; it definitely exceeded my expectations which were rock bottom to start with. Worth a watch, for sure.

My rating: 6.5 on 10

Drona - The review

Dear readers,

I apologize if you came looking for a detailed review. I will write one as soon as Abhishek (left) and I find and kill the culprit who came up with this grand celebration of idiocy.

The only thing I have say to is that it's a shame that a brilliant musician like Dhruv Ghanekar was wasted on a shitty movie like this. Do yourself a favour and go watch "Who wants to be a superhero?" instead. At least you can change the channel.

Image Courtesy: Masala.com

Sex and the City - The review

Well call me mushy, girly or a repressed homosexual. I really did like SATC - the movie. Admittedly, I'm the only guy I know that actually likes the series. So I was really looking forward to the movie and wasn't disappointed.

The movie name turned out to be a misnomer and the guys in the front seat at the movie hall (where tickets sell for 10 bucks) were certainly disappointed as all the 'exciting' parts that they had come to watch were ruthlessly censored, even at the cost of taking away from the flow of the movie. For me, a guy at the back however, the movie was more about forgiveness, relationships and their ups and downs, and marriage. Although, I don't necessarily subscribe to all the opinions expressed in the movie, I did (deep breath) shed a few tears here and there, seeing as how I'm a sucker for corny lines.

If you like the series, I think you'll like the movie. I went with high expectations and was not disappointed.

My Rating: 8 on 10.

You may kill me now.

Down, down, down, down, down...

(A Steve Vai interlude from G3...)

In that setting of beautiful background music, it's time to say that everything is falling: the Sensex by 500 points, the possibilities of getting my laptop repaired, the amount of fuel you can buy in 30 bucks, the frequency of my blog posts, Lehman Bros' profits, the number of tigers in the country, Savita Bhabhi's well-wishers, and shit load of other stuff.

I have nothing special to write in, except for the fact that I missed yesterday's Chennai Blogger's meet organized by Indiblogger.in. It's horrendous, and I know I'm going to chiding myself for that miss for a while. Can anyone who went give me some details?

Went and saw Indiana Jones as well, it was terrible. I have a feeling that I know why I've been finding so many English movies bad recently. The speakers at Sathyam Cinemas in Chennai are terribly loud and jarring. I'm surprised that spent so much money on LCD panels above urinals etc, but didn't think it appropriate to hire accoustic engineers to come and do some sound checks. After almost every show there I feel my hear hurt, and if it's an action movie even more so. That explains why I didn't enjoy Transformers, Iron Man and Indiana Jones. Apologies to these movies, and I think my old reviews can be discredited for the same reason.

Speaking of movies, a new movie was added to my all time favorite movies list: Stay. Check it out when you get the time. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind was pretty good too, but a word to the wise: don't watch an intelligent movie after a considerable drinks session. Cheers!

Iron Man - The review

One doesn't really go with great cinematic expectations for a movie like "Iron Man". What I wanted was just a good ol' action/superhero film, but it's hard to say I wasn't disappointed, even with those very low expectations.

It was a typical SuperHero story with a Batmanesque billionaire-fighting-crime-at-night theme, and that was a fun concept for a category such as this. The director also tried some unique treatment of milestone events. The part where Tony Stark's (played by Robert Downey Jr.) convoy gets bombed in Afghanistan, and when he makes an announcement at the end are two examples that immediately spring to mind. Something very important happens very quickly. This, however, didn't really work for me. I suppose trying to differentiate oneself as a director is hard, and Jon Favreau couldn't really pull this one off.

To be fair, the movie had its positives. It did do a decent job of infusing some humor with scenes such as Iron Man shooting down multiple targets (no spoilers!), and asking his villainous version, "How did you solve the icing problem?". Oh, and there was this robot that acts as cute as any robot can get.

As with any superhero movie, the costume plays a major part in how the movie is accepted, and the maroon and gold Iron Man suit was just cool beyond words. The stunts were a mixed bag; the one with the two fighter planes chasing down Iron Man was awesome, but the one with the Iron-Men fighting wasn't too hot. It's also possible that I'm getting a little too old for this kind of action, seeing as how I didn't enjoy the Transformers' action too much.

It also had the usual superhero moral dilemma, with this movie essaying the guilt that weapon makers feel (or don't feel) and the corruption that exists in that industry. My favorite part of the whole movie, though, was the Black Sabbath riff from their song 'Iron Man' as the credits began to roll. Sweet!

Having said all this, the movie missed that crucial punch, with probably a little too much happening at times, and some parts overstaying their welcome. One felt that the usually gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow was a bit too plain as Pepper Potts (sigh, what a disappointment!) and her role was a little too boring at times. Tony Stark's personality is confusing, with some scenes showing him as a mature human being, and some scenes showing him to be plain crazy.

In summation, the verdict is confused, I'm not crazy about the film, but it's not a dud either. 6 on 10.

Spider Man 3 Review

From a troubled superhero in the first and second chapter of the movie series, Spidey becomes a popular and loved figure in part 3. The movie starts off well enough with all being nice and rosy for Peter what with him weaving webs under the night sky and laying there blissfully with his sweetheart Mary Jane. But the fan is soon to get shit-hit when an asteroid bearing black, evil gooey stuff transforms our oh-so-loveable hero into a powerful, and power seeking maniac.

The third part should have been more action packed, considering there were two villains and Spidey's personal turmoil with the black, gooey stuff, and it is. But, somehow the whole movie seemed to go for the commercial angle, and absolutely cheesy humour. I mean sure, I'm a cynic, and you can't trust everything I say, but there were times you thought the story line meandered, the dialogue was a little pointless and that if they didn't have the cool Spidey swinging-around-in-the-city special effects, you'd have probably gotten up and left. There are shots that just smack obscenely obviously of the cheesiness, esp the imagery of the American flag in the background (although it was just a one or two second thing), and the last scene reminiscent of so many Bollywood movies, with the "dost" screaming "Nahhhhhiiiinnn" and jumping in the way of a speeding bullet, or in this case and speeding something-else.

All in all, the action scenes were excellent, the story was more tediously involving, but the movie could have been a little faster; the end being especially dragging (I'd gotten so used to ending a Spiedy movie with a swinging Spiderman, I guess it was an anti-climax for me.) I think people coming for Spiderman don't expect such sappy stuff, but hey, who am I to comment what with the record box office opening. 6 on 10 for Spidey 3.

The journey on the… …“Kabul Express”

Often times, we make mistakes in our lives, because we didn’t think a decision through and took it at the spur of the moment, based on our pre-conceived notions. My seeing this movie was one such blunder.

Untrue to its name, this movie is anything but express. At the end of the first half, the drunk sitting next to me had lost his high, and the ads for Original Kerala Jewellers actually made a bunch of fatally bored people take notice of the screen.

Here’s the summary – a tacky story directed without purpose, edited by a rookie with actors not yet successfully making the transition from modeling to acting and extras who only contribute to making the experience extra painful.

One of many unforgettable scenes was that of our protagonists coming upon a bunch of Afghans playing some sort of polo with a rug (or was that supposed to be an animal, Mr. production designer?). The extras were geeing the horse riders on with such mild enthusiasm that you would have thought that they weren’t even paid to do their roles.

Many such fascinating mistakes captured one’s imagination (and locked it away). A few of them being –

- The American journalist laughing at Imran Khan Afridi’s (IMA) joke despite not seeming to understand Hindi.

- Everyone still calling IMA a Taleb, although it was clear that he was working for the Pakistani government.

- IMA holding a gun to the Afghan driver’s head and asking him to say that the Afghans started the war. At this point, you don’t know that IKA isn’t a Taleb, so you might tend to skip it. But looking back why would a Pakistani ask an Afghan to say that the Talebs are the best? Perplexing.

- John Abraham’s hair continued to remain well conditioned throughout the movie, considering their hotel didn’t even have a roof. Need to get me some of that darn Clinic All Clear.

The most mind numbing part of the movie was when the two worst actors and dialogue deliverers, John and the lady had a conversation. You could just feel the patience of the audience stretching like a rubber band, about to snap.

To its credit, I guess the movie did try to be cool and non-conformist when John Abraham tried to criticize cricket when he called it “eleven men standing around holding their crotches” or something to that effect. Although, I still have a feeling that he was watching a very different “sport”. However, his Internet habits are none of my concern.

There were also a lot many scenes that I can’t seem to connect to the main plot of the movie too well. The Sufi singing, the boy with one leg, the Taleb leaving his daughter some USD sandwiched between rocks, without even speaking to her or seeing her face were all areas of the movie which seemed to have broken free of its eco system and developed lives of their own. I guess, as IMA said it, “There are some things you’ll never understand.” Thank goodness for that.

Another point to mention was the clichéd background music. I don’t know what it’s called, but that lady ululating in the background was cool when I first heard it in “The Gladiator”. Even in Troy, it was a little played out. Since then, it’s become quite over done, and this movie doesn’t even seem to have theme music to back the lady up. Her random ululations are worse than the theme song, which mysteriously starts after the intermission without any purpose and ends with a message - “buy Kabul Express music on Yashraj Music”.

I sent a text after the first half saying that this movie was a 5.5 out of 10 so far. I guess out of the 5.5, a substantial portion of the credit went to Arshad Warsi’s comic timing and the benefit of not knowing what was to follow. But that was just like Tendulkar batting in a South African one-dayer. How much can one man do?

The meandering plot found a couple of occasions to flash the American lady’s cleavage. She seemed to have no other obvious purpose in the movie, anyway. It also made skewed references to how Pakistan’s army ditches its own and how cowardly the Pakistani government is, and how we Indians are more friendly. I’m sure that this story is based on very sound facts that make all of us proud.

We’re slowly but surely getting to the level of Hollywood movies where all superheroes, earth shattering situations, aliens and alternate universes all necessarily come from or occur in America. The undertone of this movie was a pathetic attempt at being patriotic. If anything, it was just plain patronizing.

The moral of the story seems to be Imran Khan Afridi’s transition to a friendly old man from an aggressive old fart, showing how we assume even good people to be bad sometimes just based on stereotypes. Another parallel moral seemed to be that reporters can do nothing in war torn situations. That was quite a learning for me.

I will take the first moral of the film and apply it to my film watching the next time. Even a relatively decent sounding movie can be the equivalent of silent suffering. The only surprising part of the movie experience was how the uncle next to me who was wreaking of cheap whiskey managed to stay up through the duration of the movie. My friend, who hadn’t had a drink certainly couldn’t.

My rating: 2.5 on 10

Who should watch this movie: Couples desperate to make out, who’ve got bookings for the top corner seat.