The Large Hardon Collider Ballad

Song #3: Not suitable for work or children. Enjoy!

At least someone's doing something about corruption

As a blogger, sometimes I find others' writing is inspiring; sometimes I find it so good that it freezes me. This piece by Girish Shahane is one such piece. How beautifully he blends an opinion piece with a movie review with current affairs!

I echo Girish's views on the whole Anna Hazare movement as well. Holding the government hostage based on a squeaky clean image and good intentions is just not on. Anna's call for a government strike and his latest move are just as bad as the government not allowing Anna the right to a peaceful protest. This is aside from the fact that the Lokpal bill itself isn't going to solve all our problems -- it may even exacerbate them.

We're a little desperate as a country and I can understand why. Corruption at the highest level is a malaise, but corruption at the lowest level is what we face in our daily lives. Here there still lies scope for introspection. We can avoid paying bribes because jobs get done quicker. We can do our best in our daily lives to avoid corruption. I have seen some of my compatriots who come to Europe, bending every rule in the book without compunction because it's easy to do so, even in an environment that doesn't call for it. Maybe we can start by ridding ourselves of these habits.

Do I know that Lokpal will definitely fail? No. It's possible that the sheer momentum of the anti-corruption voice may cause the Lokpal Bill to be successful to begin with, and with more amendments, lead us to a future with lesser corruption. The subject of corruption is a complex one with many variables, and I don't pretend to know all the answers. But a flawed idea isn't a good place to start, even if it comes with the best intentions.

The best context for me to say 'At least someone's doing something about it' is where the 'someone' refers to myself.

Three deaths, three versions

In the UK riots recently, three men were tragically run over and killed while protecting their property. This is where I read it first: BBC - Three killed protecting property during Birmingham riots.

When I saw it on Hindustan Times, I almost didn't recognize it. It was titled: 3 Asians killed, fear of race violence in Britain.

Curious, I decided to check out Dawn.com. And, of course, this is how it was titled: Slaying of 3 Muslims lays bare divisions.

Interesting isn't it, how death in rioting can be covered so differently?

The world according to Shahid Afridi

Original heart pic courtesy: www.fallingpixel.com

Cricket Cup World Cup Cricket Cup World Cup

© Getty Images

It's an honour to watch this man lead our team with such dignity and poise.

© AFP

It's been a joy to watch this man bat and conduct himself the way he has for the past 21 years. I don't know if I will be able to watch cricket when he bows out.

© Associated Press

It's historic to have witnessed this. I can die happy now. 

What a World Cup it's been - India were favourites going into it and came out on top. I'd never have guessed that we could withstand so much pressure, but an Indian fan is never pessimistic (or even realistic) about these things. Thank you Indian cricket team for all the memories.

For those of you saying this isn't a 'World Cup', 17.5% of the world's population parties tonight (Credit: Friend on Facebook). If that isn't a World Cup, I don't know what is.

PS: If you don't know what the subject of this blog post is all about, you missed the song of the cup.

A farewell rhyme for 2010

Scams of epic proportions in India,
Silence and then much noise on matters Radia.
Apple ne humko iPad diya.
And that Kalmadi fellow, he made lakhs ya.

Arundathi put the sexy into secede,
We saw Ayodhya play it safe and proceed,
Then Obama graced us with his presence,
As Nithyananda seduced people with incense
And the Pope fought issues with nonsense.

We were left wondering,
As we confused causation with correlation,
Do we call the rich man 'king'?
Or is the richest man called Raja, by conflation.
Oh yeah, and we also had serious inflation.

Somehow we still completed the CWG,
And before that, the DLF IPL 3.
But in neither case was the follow-up very good,
Suresh and Shashi were not sufficiently screwed.
Manmohan Singh just nodded his head and stood.

Sachin's run machine was at its strongest ever,
And the world came down with World Cup fever,
There once was a dog called Spot,
And just for fixing it, poor Pakistan were caught.
Again Manmohan did nought.

The Indian blogosphere scales new heights,
As rameshsrivats puns and krishashok writes.
(Heck, the latter even has soundbytes.)
We can now make any topic trend,
And even break media silence in the end.

Assange's leaks made headlines everywhere,
For top secret documents and then for a condom tear.
If you're leaking, you might as well leak some runs,
And give Sachin half a ton of tons.

And so 2010 is done.
If only 2011 is half as much fun.
Because anyway in 2012, we're all done.
Happy MMXI everyone.

Radia silence

You will notice that there was considerable silence about the Barkha Dutt - Radia tapes controversy on this blog. That's because there's been a general silence on this blog.

That notwithstanding, Barkha Dutt made a big mistake she can't deny - she lied (either on the tapes or in her apology). So of course, it comes across that she was ready to mediate between the Congress and the DMK. And what is the best way to counter any kind of recorded evidence but to say, "I lied"?

At the same time, it does come across from NDTV's coverage (or the part that was in the debate anyway)that she was actually using the information to report news. So my take is that she, in all likelihood, WAS lying to Niira of many circles. (Radia, circles... - clever, huh?)

So now after Barkha's admission and general evidence that her role in cabinet selection was non-existent, the best Manu Joseph can come up with is, 'You didn't publish a story' and the eloquent, 'You're not answering the question!'

That is why children are told: "Don't tell lies." It generally creates all kinds of messes.

PS: Vir bad-teeth Sanghvi, on the other hand, should rename Counterpoint to Copy-Paste.

10 reasons why Commonwealth Games 2010 are like the Oktoberfest

1. Both events' names are misleading. Most of Oktoberfest falls in September; the Commonwealth games have already created an uncommon amount wealth for some organizers.
2. The Oktoberfest is known for the best types of wurst. The Commonwealth Games are known for the worst types of worsts (worst in meeting deadlines, worst planned to expenditure ratio etc).
3. Both events are best enjoyed / tolerated by consuming copious quantities of alcohol.
4. Athletes come from different parts of the world to participate in games at both events. Many of these games end with falling down.
5. The Commonwealth Games features a massive statue of its mascot Shera, a tiger who is nicknamed a lion. The Oktoberfest features a massive statue of Bavaria with a lion by her side. This lion, however, is not called a tiger. 
6. The theme song of the Games was recently remixed to make it more peppy. The songs at the Oktoberfest get more peppy depending on how many drinks you have mixed. 
7. In one event, participants are ready to sleep in sleeping bags on lawns. In the other event, they complain about everything possible.
8. The length of the Oktoberfest depends on which date the first Sunday of October falls. The completion percentage of the 2010 Commonwealth Games depends on which side of the bed Suresh Kalmadi wakes up.
9. The Oktoberfest is declared open when the mayor of Munich taps open the first filled keg of beer. The Games will be officially declared open after the last available resources have been tapped.
10. Locals regard the Oktoberfest beer as outrageously priced at 11.70 Euros a liter. Locals and internationals consider the toilet paper at the CWG outrageously priced at $80 a roll.

This post was first published on Yahoo Fit to Post here.

Kalmadeceptions

The most honorable @krishashok has come out with another template for us mortals to fill in. Here were a couple of my entries for #kalmadeception.

#Kalmadeception 1

#Kalmadeception 2

Here's an excellent self-referential template that someone had made. [Thanks to unnamed guest for providing the link.]

Showing respect to families

So the UK has put in place a ban on mini-skirts for customer facing roles. A quote:

Women can wear trousers, informal dresses or skirts of "reasonable" length, but "not mini-skirts". 
"Please try to dress smartly and thoughtfully, in line with other professionals you come across in your day-to-day work, and in a way that shows respect to children and families ," it said.

It's a little relieving to know that we are not the only weird society in the world. I wonder what will happen when the daughters of the families in question come dressed in mini-skirts; will the families be sent back because they're not respecting themselves?

My psychic powers sense an internet campaign coming up. #shortskirtquake anyone?

Census-less-ness

Census-less-ness (n.): A peculiar kind of population survey that puts housewives, prostitutes and beggars in the same category.

(Cross-posted at Deepak's Let's snig-lets)

The touch of India

An ancient Indian saying goes: What thou shalt not take to heart, thou shalt take in your hand. And it's true. We have never shied away from the sense of touch. Around the world, millions of westerners are only now waking up to our ways.

The recent revolution, of course, is due to a fellow whose surname is Jobs. This man is making billions off a simple human need - the need to touch. It's what we Indians have always done. When we eat our food, we touch it. When Zakir Hussain plays his tabla, he touches it. When we want to show respect to our elders, we touch their feet. Even when we wash ourselves after our morning jobs (no pun intended), we clean by touch. The average Indian has no problems touching food, assorted body parts or percussion instruments.

However, the poor, deprived western world envies our ability to touch. After their capitalist companies forced them to buy toilet paper, spoons, forks, drum sticks and plectrums, their innate urge to touch now manifests itself in the latest technological breakthroughs.Jobs can't get enough touching
(Image credit: via @dhempe on Twitter)

They envy us in general, I think. When we were winning at hockey, they made the pitches turf. Now that our guys are killing at the spelling bees, they want to simplify spelling. The iPods, iPads, iTouches and iMats threaten to steal from us our touchy feely culture. (Aside, iNamitha is now on Twitter RT'ing intense stuff about people giving up drinking because of beggars. Now if that isn't touching, I don't know what is.)

But we are not to be outdone easily. Our march on touching shall not be stopped by a few phones and pads. Where they fail, we will make up. Our young men will continue to touch women as (in)appropriate. We will now regulate our touchiness to the extent that one of our major states is going to have a 'culture policy' that will define what is too touchy to be touched. Heck we'll even be a little contrarian in our greeting. If they shake hands, we will touching and say 'namaste'.

If you think I'm going a touch overboard, sample one of ToI's best headlines in recent times: Fans touch Big B, star touched by fans. You can't expect any better from an ordinary blogger like me.

As the ancient Indian saying goes, 'Dil pe mat le, haath pe le'. Stay in touch.

Shahid Afridi's captaincy acceptance speech

After the recent appointment of Shahid Afridi as captain, the evergreen boy rounded up his team mates to inspire them to World Cup Glory. DH has an exclusive transcript of his speech.

Friends, team mates and people who know me from the past two decades of my 20's,

A dream has been fulfilled. No, I am not retiring again. I am here to tell you all that I have been named your Lord, master and captain.

We are a team that thrives on unpredictability. No question is as simple as it seems. Can a banned player get a President's award? Am I a leggie or a quickie? How long is a lifetime ban? Have I had breakfast? You never really know.

But there's one tournament where we have been predictable - the T20 World Cup. In the first edition, we came second and in the second edition we came first. This is not only a testament to our consistency, but also a pretty nifty arithmetic progression. According to my calculations, we should be on the negative side of the number line very soon. But enough ou already know about my mad math skillz from my complex age formula. So let me jump straight to the motivational part.

We must come together as a team now to play our first important series after the banning of Mohammed and Younis bhais. It won't be difficult - you lot have been lucky enough to be blessed with a dynamic leader. That tells me that the Pakistani team, especially me, has a lot of talent. I want every one of you to feel that pride.

Our past has not been perfect. But I'm not thinking of our flaws. I'm not thinking of the time when Misbah acted like a moron to scoop that catch up in the first T20 World Cup final or when people violated my privacy and saw me scrape the pitch against England. The time has come for us to forget those blemishes and step up. Let us practise hard starting today, so that we can fulfil my dream of becoming the youngest captain to win a T20 tournament, or at the very least get ahead in the race for becoming the Karachi City Cricket Association captain.

Are you all with me?

Good news, bad news

Recently, there's a forward that's been going around that has a British journalist waxing eloquent about India based on his experience in Tamil Nadu. Here is the scanned image that you've probably already felt warm inside about.

On the other hand, Anjali Philip pointed me to this piece through her Twitter feed. Here's a sample:

India is a mess. It’s that simple, but it’s also quite complicated.

It goes on to state what the author thinks about India's problems, and this guy has travelled the country a little more than ol' Shakespeare of the previous article. I'm not saying that either of these are perfect or accurate in every way, but why am I not surprised that no one's forwarding this article (or even reweeting the link)?

Our love for good news is only paralleled by our tendency to ignore the bad.

Sugar fronts and cyclical reproductions

Today's ToI has a headline 'PM admits failure on sugar front'

"If there is a failure of ---, it is with regard to sugar... we have not been able to find a practical and pragmatic way to deal with the cyclical behaviour of sugarcane reproduction"

(emboldening and ommission mine)

The statement, of course, was no consolation for this dejected soul who has had a difficult life because of repeated frontal failures by parent sugars.

In unrelated news, another long awaited product for men is finally out in the market.

Yes, while the wife is sincerely hunting for groceries in the retail store, I'm off snickering at funny sounding products and taking pictures. It's quite a shame.

Well-intentioned idiocy

After the tragedy at Carlton Towers earlier today, a friend said that the first few deaths due to jumping off the building happened because folks were trying to be heroic on the ground by holding out blankets and such. If that is true, isn't that the most infuriating thing you've ever heard?

Often, well-meaning folks are let off easy because, after all, they had 'good intentions'. It is easy to understand the desperation of the people trapped inside the building. Unfortunately, the people on the ground should have realised that they were playing with someone's life, good intentions didn't mean squat. Intentions don't bring people back from the grave. What happened at Carlton Towers is tragic, may the souls of those who passed away rest in peace. And may those who tried to be brave be punished appropriately so that they mix a little more intelligence with their bravery the next time.

Ode to to the well-intentioned, unintentional killers
I mean well, even if I have half a brain.
I mean well, even if my ideas are lame.
I mean well, even if I get it wrong sometimes.
I mean well, isn't that the least of all crimes?
I mean well, so whatever I do is justified.
I mean well, even if six people died.

India: Fight fire with ire

When it comes to fighting terrorism, India is a force to be reckoned with; armed with the most deadly anti-terror devices. No, I'm not talking about the fighter jets, defence expenditure increase or DRDO's latest technology; I'm talking warnings and directives.

We are the number one nation when it comes to issuing repeated warnings, with thousands issued in the last year alone. Let's face it - global warnings are our thing. We warn Pakistan after every terror strike, we warn Ajmal Kasab that we will hang him and sometimes we warn fishermen to not venture out into the sea during storms. These warnings also include terrifying details of how we are 'losing patience'. Hearing the hon'ble PM with his deadly baritone is enough to make the terrorists want to switch careers to charity. I hereby propose that we have a 'warning' ministry that issues warnings and a daily update on our patience levels with full gusto, so that nothing may go unwarned. Oh wait, we already have that.

The second weapon in the arsenal is issuing directives. For example, in Pune, there is a now terrorist-combating directive that is in place for the next 15 days. Two-wheeler riders are not allowed to wear scarves.  What's more is that, for women, this restriction is only in the Koregaon Park area -- they can wear scarves elsewhere in the city. Sure, this seems innocuous. But it's brilliant if you think about it. IF the terrorist is a dude, AND decides to take a joyride on a two-wheeler, AND is in the same area where he committed the crime, he MIGHT be snapped up by our security folks! My heart is overcome with feelings of safeness. I propose a Padmashree for the person who approved this brainwave. As a citizen of India, I really could not ask for anything more.

Be afraid, terrorists. Be very afraid.

(Image courtesy: http://vikrantshukla.blogspot.com/2008_12_01_archive.html)

Thoughts on the Pune blasts

For those thinking that the Senas' and culture police's antics are something to be ignored, think about this: most of the security on Feb 13th at Pune would have been diverted towards protecting citizens entering movie theaters and couples celebrating Valentine's day.

If this had been a series of blasts, most of our security forces would have been wasted around multiplexes and parks, instead of chasing perps. I don't know if this aggravated the situation yesterday, but it sure as hell wouldn't have helped.

Opportunity cost is a very real cost, and folks playing the fool with citizens' security should be put to task very early with a no-forgiveness policy, whatever their last names be. Ironically, the Shiv Sena claims that SRK was not being patriotic by supporting Pakistani cricket players. Guess who were the real traitors yesterday?

Who's the tiger-est of them all?

Match the columns (Types of tigers on the left; Qualities on the right)

The first two correct comments will receive an iPod. (As an image attachment in an email, but still). As always, wrong answers are the most entertaining.

(Images courtesy: mediaswirl.wordpress.com ; im.in.com ; animals.howstuffworks.com)

Chetan Bhagat visits Harvard, demands credit for grading system

In an unsurprising turn of events, Chetan Bhagat's recent visit to Harvard has caused quite a stir. In a press conference called by him for no apparent reason, he said, "Clearly the grading system out there with the points and the someones and the fives is inspired by my book. The least they could have done is give me credit for it. I do not want money, at least they can have a case study about me."

When a journalist mentioned that the system had been in place for many decades before the book, Chetan retorted, "That is chronology, which is only one of the aspects. I'm not saying I'm 100% correct. But at least I'm 70% correct. So where is the credit for that?"

To confirm this, he read out a letter from a fan.

'Dear sir,

You are the biggest author in the world for me. I especially like your books of Harry Potter...'

"Wr-Wrong one", he stammered as he quickly searched his pockets amidst assorted LOL's, LMAO's and ROTFL's. "Ah, found it."

'Dear sir, why only IIT - Harvard is also having story like yours sir'

He finished the line with a contented smirk that revealed his ignorance about other books having similar stories and more importantly, his secret fascination with being called 'Sir'.

He seemed unstoppable when he said, "That's not all. All evil profs named Cherian must pay me royalty for making them popular. I have contributed to 70% of their identity."

Asked from where he cooked up such ridiculous ideas, he responded, "The FPS buzz just does not die down. There are millions of readers out there. One of them was studying in Harvard and..."

He could not complete the statement because of journos guffawing at the unintentional joke. Soon, a steady stream of people began leaving the press conference when they realised that the promised veg puffs and cola were not to be seen anywhere.

"Anyway, I have forwarded this mail to the folks in Harvard. This is all I have to say on this matter. We have moved on", he declared to a fast dwindling crowd.

The last standing journalist from Aaj Tak was heard asking, "Sir would you like to appear on a programme called 'Lekhak ya pheku'?"

Chetan re-iterated, "I have moved on", and after seeing that no one was in the room, he added, "Let's do it." displaying again his skill at negotiating contracts.

Elsewhere, Vidhu Vinod Chopra was seen adapting the Taj Mahal to create an original 8th wonder of the world.