Parent friendly blogpost

In India, we take a lot of things for granted. Some of these are:  

• Garlic breath 
• Freedom to ask personal questions
• Per second mobile billing
• Freedom to drive on the wrong side of the road
• Garlic farts
• Freedom to walk on the road
• Men holding hands with men without being emotionally involved and
• Sunlight

I actually wanted to write about the last point, but thought I'd generally make up a list filled with other random items so that you read whatever follows. Smart, huh?

  

So as I was saying, only when one is freezing one's balls off, does one realize how regular the sunlight (and heat) is throughout the year at one's equatorially proximate (are those even real words?) country.

 

Going to office in winter-time Netherlands is muchos depressing when at 8 in the morning, it's still like 4 am in India. The mind plays tricks on me and says, "It's only, 4 am, machan. Sleep some more. That alarm clock and digital clock and wristwatch are all wrong, da." It's only recently the mind has started speaking English with a Tamil twang.

 

And even if you manage to finish work on time (hahahaha), which is to say, around 5 PM, it's already twilight. This means that only way to get rid of depression and warm up is using alcohol. And that's a valid reason. And I need to provide valid reasons since my parents are possibly reading this. No, mom and dad, I haven't done a blog cleanup or become an alcoholic. See how nice I am?
 
"WTF kinda blog post is this, machan? Third class quality, I say!"
 
I know, I know. I will improve.

These are some of my dumbest things...

I want to write about the dumbest things I've ever done. But I don't particularly feel like writing anything with long sentences. And I feel like shooting something. The solution? Bullets.

• Trying to go vegetarian
• Thinking I can understand what my wife is thinking
• Ramming my car into a pole on my first day driving
• Putting some important documents in one file and losing them all
• Giving up a possible career in music
• Watching Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani
• Calling my blog 'Daily' Humor
• Giving up a possible career as a tech entrepreneur
• Calling my blog Daily 'Humor'
• Trying to have meetings in English in Chennai
• Thinking Shah Rukh Khan was an actor
  
• Playing the 'Street Hawk' title track in my head when I was 11 years old and consequently banging my bicycle into a car at breakneck speed
• Assuming Sam Anderson was a Hollywood stud
• Having medicines prescribed by doctors in Chennai
  

and more recently...

• Watching Inglourious Basterds (which is mainly in German and French) with Dutch subtitles
  

What is / are the dumbest thing(s) you've ever done?

The ten commandments of a visit to relatives in Kerala...

...esp. for the non-Mallus

1. Thou shalt not deny the booze. There is no excuse to say no to alcohol. Not after the uncle offering you the booze bought five bottles of whiskey on his way back home from a bypass surgery.

2. Thou shalt diversify. No edible item at the table is 'the best'. The moment you start stuffing yourself with fried fish thinking it's the yummiest thing on the menu, you discover the chicken curry. But you might just be a kilo too late.

3. Thou shalt extrapolate. Even if you don't understand the language, you shall do your best to reconstruct a coherent sentence from the 2 words you understand out of every 30.

4. Thou shalt not try fancy, new-fangled technology devices. Mobile signals are weak and the GPS thingy does not even connect to a satellite. Shame on you for fiddling with that fancy phone.

5. Thou shalt never ever, EVER travel by sleeper class. Whether it's the noisy guys on the way to Kerala or the ribald Romeos on the way back, you don't want to have to show your macho moves to save the wife. Mainly because you don't have any.

6. Thou shalt not accept gifts heavier than 1 kg. You now have enough rice flour and bananas to adopt a pet monkey who likes appams. And if it weren't for coolies, you would have lost a shoulder.

7. Thou shalt lose weight BEFORE thou travel(eth?). Because 3 breakfasts and 2 lunches and a smorgasbord for dinner everyday will push you over the quintal.

8. Thou shalt believe in a higher presence. Not because there are a large number of places of worship per area, but because you have travelled on a road not wide enough for two cars at 80 KMPH and lived to tell the tale.

9. Thou shalt respect traditional dress. The mundu is not only airy, but also customizable from long to short at a single flick of the wrist.

10. Thou shalt not state preference of food under any condition. Else thou shalt have to eat thy preference till thou loosen thy mundu, regain thy weight, and manage to speak the two words to communicate that you are done.

But seriously, Kerala is a beautiful place to visit especially if you have relatives there like my wife does. Despite not understanding the language, I really look forward to going because of the copious alcohol, the delectable cuisine, the fresh air and the warm people. What more is there to life, really?

Top 10 reasons to look forward to IPL season 2

According to me. Feel free to add!

10. Pommie presence
English players will play this year - some kick-ass players might add spice to the IPL.

9. All safe and secure
In the Lahore aftermath, whiny cry babies no longer will be able to say, "I'm so scared of death. Oooh. I won't play." All teams will be at full strength.

8. Jaago re and all that
No security dilution. We will be able to exercise our democratic right without fear. Politicians will be honest, India will change. No wait...

7. "I think therefore, you are unpatriotic"
Modi will no longer have nightmares about Chidambaram's loud thoughts. And his patriotism will no longer be under threat.

6. KP of Good times
KP will captain the Bangalore team. Hopefully, Charu Sharma will in no way be involved and the team won't end up at unlucky number 7.

5. No more Punter banter
Ponting skips IPL2 after an embarassing salary figure during season 1. Guess the whining and cheating didn't pay. Maybe grandma was right, Ricky.

4. This fart brought to you by...
Hopefully, Sony will not broadcast the IPL. And there won't be ads everytime someone pauses between a sentence.

3. The kings might rule
Chennai Super Kings have an imposing line-up this year - Flintoff and Hussey the new additions, will Dhoni lead them to victory this year? Hopefully, my current base location home team kicks butt.

2. No more salwar kameezes
Cheerleaders can be more scantily dressed as fringe groups won't be out to rescue culture in other countries.

1. It's actually happening
God knows we need some entertainment in these trying times. As Randy Jackson says - WHAT!