Behind the scenes of CSK vs KXIP match

On the Super Sunday of 21st of March 2010, another IPL match was meandering to a boring result. Suddenly the IPL Chief, in a Citi moment of success, reached for his Maxx Mobile and called the owners of the Chennai Super Kings and Kings XI Punjab. Here's what transpired.


Phone call 1
Lalit Kumar Modi: Hello, is this the India Cements guy?
India Cements Guy: Yes.
LKM: Dude, what is going on? Those Priety boys have crawled to a piddly total and you guys are in a crawl race to get there? Can you BE any more boring? Do you think you're making a footpath?
ICG: Lalit, it's a planned strategy for us to win...
LKM: I don't give a rats ass about your victory. Listen, this is not the cement industry, this is entertainment. Making solid structures is not the idea. Tell your batsmen to push it to the end and go to Super Over or something.
ICG: But, they're playing so well...
LKM: My mortar man, if I wanted quality, I would have invited Hema Malini to be a cheerleader. But you don't see that booty shaking around here, do you?
ICG: And after that?
LKM: After that booty shakes, there's no saying what will happen...
ICG: No, I mean after the super over.
LKM:.You guys make cement right? You'll put it together.
ICG: As sure as our jerseys are yellow, you will have a great match, Lalit. Our brand is about trust and quality and... hello? Hello?

Phone Call 2
LKM: Hi Priety.
PZ: Oh hiiiiii Lallu. I'm having so much fun, see how the boys are running na...
LKM: Please pass the phone to Ness Wadia.
PZ: Nessssiiiiee...
LKM: Ness, your team's getting creamed.
NW: I know, Priety doesn't understand the sport, she just likes men running around...
LKM: I'm not calling about that. I've told those yellow idiots to get out pretending to hit big shots.
NW: Did they have to make it that obvious? Gony's shot was ridiculous.
LKM: That's ok, as long as that guy who made that Facebook comic about me doesn't find out and blog about it, we should be ok. Listen, the idea is a super over.
NW: Ok cool. Hey, but please let us win na? We haven't won anything in a long while. Team is quite useless.
(Background: Priety screaming, "Hiiii Nesssssiiiiieeeee, they're all saying that Irfieee bowled a Super Over. i'm going 2 hug sum ppl!!!!!")
LKM: Ok, I will talk in code now.
NW: Why? Whatever.
LKM: The mongoose will be bitten by a snake and the Raina won't shower more than once.
NW: What?
LKM: Ok yaar, you can win this one. But only under one condition.
NW: Anything.
LKM: Yuvi must make arrogant-face. Deflects from his moobs and tummy. And gets good ratings.
NW: Consider it done.

 (Image courtesy: The Hindu)

Lalit Modi's Facebook activities - a webcomic

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Aman ki arse-whooping

While ToI tried to do a bang-up job of trying to impress us with a 'peace initiative' called Aman ki Asha, the real Aman ki arse-whooping happened in the IPL auction, with none of the franchises bidding for Pakistani players.

Of course, this has nothing to do with the lack of desire for peace between the two countries. But given the proclivity of the Pak-based terrorists to attack even friendly cricket teams, it's just a safer choice to keep the neighbouring cricketers out of the team in the first place than have to 'ban' the players after an untoward incident takes place.

And just like that, I shall now break into verse.

Aman ki asha got whooped,
As no Pak player got booked,
As the IPL franchise kooks,
Even splurged on Shane Bond.

The Pak players now feel hurt,
Their nation is insulted they blurt,
Cricket's image is damaged, they assert.
But what about when LeT attacked the Lankans?

If anyone really is to blame,
It's not the administrators of the game.
The culprits are always the same,
They're the blasted terrorists.

Breaking blogger's block: An arc, a circle, various figures of speech, Rushdie and the color of Superman's underwear

"So you've come round, huh?", said the arc to circle.
"Of course, fully."
"These idiots played three teams, not even a single one in the semis. Pah!", a despondent looking arc exclaimed.
"Not a single team in the semi-finals, because not a single team was good enough. Not a single team was good enough because they all come from the BCCI stable. And we know what that produces - stinking teams that never win anything with the word 'Champions' in the title."
"Circular logic, but sound at that. Circle, I love you."
"Yes Arc, I complete you."
"Can this get any cornier, golu baby?"
"Yes, of course, this can degenerate into a rant about the same topic with various figures of speech and a reference to Salman Rushdie and the color of Superman's underwear."

Same topic with various figures of speech and a reference to Salman Rushdie and the color of Superman's underwear

Ahh. So it comes to pass. The three top teams of the prestigious IPL come undone and fail to make it to the top 4 of the series. After the Indian team getting its arse kicked in the recently concluded Champion's Trophy, it's time for the IPL champs to bring glorious ignominy to the nation.

It's ironic that the richest cricket board produces the losingest teams. In fact, it's always ironic when one extreme produces another extreme result. Extremes are also interesting when used in another figure of speech - the paradox. As a character in Rushdie's 'The Enchantress of Florence' points out any paradox can be used to feign wisdom. Examples of this could be, "His wealth belies the poverty of the soul" or "Laughter disguises a deep-seated sorrow" or "Her life couldn't give her what death could" and so on. Fret not, dear reader, my digressions are but the milestones to the destination.

So, about the Indian Premiere League producing the non-premiere performers. Let me illustrate this further using metaphors. This is like Superman fighting crime in Metropolis but going to Gotham City and getting creamed. Wouldn't that hurt? Not just in a phsyical sense, but it would wound him emotionally to know that he failed when a non-hero with dull-colored underwear, (really, isn't that what Batman is) a pointy-eared mask and a pubescent sidekick can fight crime better. This would be like the American basketball team being unable to win medals in the Olympics. Like DLF not being able to build houses outside India. Like England never winning a World Cup. And so, round comes the metaphor-cycle to cricket. Or were those similes?

I will never again do this, I promise. Breaking blogger's block has been harder than I imagined. But we break free only to be trapped again. Like a jaguar in chains, like a blogger in a block...

Day 37 - Finals - IPL 2

It had to happen. The team with the best cheerleader outfits, the Deccan Chargers won the tournament.

Almost like a sign of things to come, they started in fine form with four victories from as many matches and stormed to the top of the points table. However, they eventually only managed to scrape through to the semi-finals with some strife because of a few dodgy performances. A Gilly gem in the semis meant that nothing else mattered in that match. But could he repeat that performance in the finals as well? As it turned out, captain took on captain and Kumble got Gilly out in the first over and ended up getting three other heavyweights from DC out.

RCB started their campaign this year by thrashing last year's champions, the Rajasthan Royals, quite comprehensively. KP's captaincy seemed to lose its charm when the team lost to CSK, DC, KXIP and Delhi in consecutive matches. His exit was the perfect catalyst for a team that seemed to transform under someone who's language they understood - Anil Kumble. After that initial dip, the only direction it seemed that RCB were headed was up. And that they did when they beat all the other teams in the competition at least once.

One would be lying if one said that RCB weren't in control of the final match till Ross Taylor and Virat Kohli were batting. Their fall in successive balls off Symonds' bowling triggered a quick collapse and Uthappa's final efforts to salvage the game were futile.

The interesting thing was that like last year, this was also a team with so many performers - Gibbs, RP Singh of the purple cap, Rohit Sharma of the Citi under 23-award, Gilly of the destructive semi-finals knock and so many fringe players who made a name for themselves. It was awesome to see yet another underdog team rise to the top this year like the Royals did for IPL's first edition, yet again under the leadership of a retired-from-other-forms-of-cricket Aussie stalwart.

It's the end of the IPL, no more daily blogs on that subject, and I'm definitely not going to talk of the after-party. I wasn't going to stay up to watch Shilpa Shetty dance. The cricket was good enough for me.

Day 36 - Semi final 2 - IPL 2

They had the most expensive purchase of the IPL - Kevin Pietersen. Still they stood at the bottom of the table till he was there, and one thought that they would repeat their last year's performance. However, after a match that swung more times than Lindsay Lohan, RCB who were the second worst team from last year's IPL joined last year's worst team into the IPL finals - what a story! Anil Kumble's captaincy won them 7 out of 9 matches including the semi-final match against the Chennai Super Kings.

Hayden's rest unfortunately worked against CSK, as he got out cheaply, given how solidly he scored throughout the series. Dhoni's slow innings ensured that CSK never had the momentum to set a total that would really challenge the Challengers. It was still a big match though, and having runs on the board should have been pressure enough to cause some mistakes. However, it was not until Dravid and the tyro Pandey got out did CSK really feel that they were in with a chance. A couple of bold sixes followed and it was all over for the Super Kings. Pandey and Dravid gave the solidity and volume and Virat Kohli closed it out for his team.

I'm still in shock. Only consolation for me is that it's just the IPL. It's not India that has lost, and I like to think that I am more patriotic than regioniotic. IPL is almost over now - I need to start getting a life.

Day 35 - Semi final 1 - IPL 2

Poor, poor Delhi. All those performances, all that consistency and dominance and they ran into one hell of a demolition job. One man called Adam Gilchrist. A man that won two World Cups for Australia proved why he's such a big match player by smashing 85 from 35 balls. The total of 153 could well have been a total 253 - that's what it seemed Adam Gilchrist was chasing. No other performance in the match was worth mentioning, honestly.

The top team in the tournament lost to the last team from last year. Deccan's comeback is certainly awesome. I just hope CSK doesn't end up as no 2 again this year - like England used to be in the World Cup finals all those years ago. Go, CSK!

Oh, and you must have thought that I was crazy when I predicted a Deccan vs CSK finals - I've got the first half right so far, so you better keep reading this blog!

Day 34 - IPL 2

In a match as pointless as some of the meetings I attended at work today, DD beat the pants off the already pant-less Mumbai Indians. The only thing that wasn't firing for the capital team so far was the Viru-Gambhir beta combination, and that too has now come into its own. The 165 posted by Mumbai seemed much, much smaller. Watch out CSK in the finals. Ok I'm getting cocky, but we have been a consistent no 2.

Match 2, of course, was of much more consequence. RCB scored a semi-final-berth assuring 170 and went on to win the match. Pandey was quite the revelation with an unbeaten 114 - more than many team totals this year. Gibbs' heroics weren't enough to take DC home, and now they pay for losing this match as they face Delhi in the first semis tomorrow. It's testimony to how close this IPL has been that it took the last match of the league stage to decide the semi-finalists.

What will the next three matches hold for us? Will it be a Chennai vs Chargers final? Will Bangalore continue their dream run? Who knows? Stay tuned.

Day 33 - IPL 2

The losers left the hopefuls hopeless, while the winners finally found form and choked the contenders in to near-exit.

Rajasthan Royals went down by 4 wickets to KKR who played the role of spoiler to a tee. RR, batting first, tried to be ultra-aggressive to get their run rate up and increase their chances of qualifying. However, after achieving one-fifth of their total in the first over, they succumbed to poor shots and limped along to a total of 101. What should have been a fairly simple chase was made competitive by KKR's genius and some tight bowling by the Royals. However at 45 for 6, 'Bombay-Duck' Agarkar joined Lakshmi Ratan Shukla at the crease to take KKR to victory in their final match and to ensure that we will have a new IPL champion this year.

Another low scoring game followed, with CSK setting a modest target of less than a run-a-ball. However their bowling which had let them down in the match before came to the party and managed to restrict kick-sip to a mere 92. The beauty of it all was that they still had two wickets in hand and played their entire quota of overs, such was the vice-like grip that Murali and Co had on the opposition's batsmen. Even the King's XI's captain who tried to hang around and play a lone hand just ended up playing what his worst innings in the series so far. It was a field day for spinners, the off-spin trio for Chennai successfully choking the lefties in kick-sip and even Powar from the opposing team had a good day. Chennai's strong record against the prince's team continues and MSD's acumen came to the fore again on a day where defending a low total required him to think on his feet. One feels happy that he is leading the Indian side into the T20 World Cup this year - at least one member of our team is in some sort of form.

We are only three days from the finals, but still don't know who will join Delhi and Chennai in the top four. Kick-sip need to sit back and wait for other's results, whereas the Bangalore and Deccan just need to simplify things for themselves and win.

Meanwhile, after today Preity Zinta and Shilpa Shetty can hug and console each other. Visualisation under progress... mmm...

Day 32 - IPL 2

I didn't see it, but man Bangalore beat Delhi. What the funge? This changes everything - all is being reversed KKR winning and Delhi losing. Looks like the last leg is going to be the most unpredictable.

Day 31 - IPL 2

KKR chased 188 successfully against CSK. A visibly pissed-off Dhoni called it the 'worst bowling performance of the IPL'. I agree.

Resting Hayden didn't really seem to matter as a great batting effort by Raina and Dhoni as well as everyone else got the team to a total that seemed to be enough. Fortunately for KKR fans (if they're still watching the IPL), this was countered brilliantly by Hodge and McCullum. Unfortunately for CSK fans, Balaji, Morkel, Tyagi and Jakati decided to contribute to KKR's farewell gift by neatly packaging a shitload of runs.

CSK are still not out of the woods. They need to seriously look at themselves in the mirror and ask themselves the question that Dhoni asks in the uncensored version of a fizzy, sweet drink commercial, "Do you have the balls?"

Day 30 - IPL 2

Rohit Sharma threatened to do it again for the Deccan Chargers with a last minute surge, but this time instead of Mortaza, he was facing Irfan Pathan, who outwitted Sharma and crashed the balls into the stumps in the last over, with just a handful of runs remaining. KXIP (or kick-sip as I like to pronounce that acronym) grabbed the opportunity to come back with both hands, and closed the match out in a hurry. Earlier, Yuvraj recorded his second hat-trick of the tournament - no mean achievement that! Now kick-sip is a genuine contender for the semis.

Munaf's staccato performance with the ball in today's game set the daredevils back initially but later propelled them to 150. The top team in the competition looks stronger and stronger despite their opening combination not firing. It's scary to imagine what would happen if one of them was playing upto their potential. Rajasthan Royals were 19 for 2 after the end of 5 overs with 9 runs per over required. And when Yusuf Pathan later fell trying to flick one over the leg side, it was evident that no amount of passion was going to help them chase this target. Even Munaf Patel's little cameo at the end with five boundaries didn't help.

And heck, CSK was not yet through to the semis as I had said, but it s pretty much through now thanks to the Royals loss and a great net run rate. Sorry for the miscalculation in the previous posts!

However, the match of the day was Federer vs Nadal. A straight set victory by Roger against his nemesis on his favourite surface and that too in his home den! Way to go, Federer! We know something similar happened a couple of years ago at Hamburg, but your fans hope that you give Rafa a run for his money at the French Open! Much excitement awaits.

Day 29 - IPL 2

What a day - The Hand that rocked the Lotus, rules the country again. Of course, the Left didn't do well, because you know that in our culture a 'Left Hand' means shit.

All the news channels are thrilled to bits that their exit polls were correct and this is a common headline across the board, 'UPA Win - Just as we had predicted.' CNN IBN is even showing that their new website has had 7.5 million hits so far. What joy for me.

I just hope that a united government is able to work towards the progress we desperately need now - no more communal tension, effective anti-terrorism measures, economic and infrastructural reforms. We've had enough of these problems - time to move on.

Moving to the IPL, one spot was booked in the semis. Mumbai effectively walked out of the semi-finals of IPL 2 when Sachin walked off the field having scored only 11 from 15 balls. Despite reaching a reasonable total, it was Sachin's reliable captaincy that ensured they would never make it past Dhoni and Hayden. If anyone should have the nickname 'The Wall', it really should be Hayden. Not only does he play with consistency and is difficult to get out, but he also looks massive - a veritable Great Wall of Chennai. And it is on this wall with an orange cap that Chennai have jumped to the other side of the tournament.

The only interest in the DC vs KKR match was to see if DC would continue to be in the hunt for the semis. KKR has become like the Third Front of this IPL now; they can only screw up the other teams' chances (as BJP claimed the Third Front did in these elections) to be in the top four, and that's exactly what one though when Andrew Symonds was run out.

KKR managed a very good total of 160 that was primarily a result of a 17-ball 43 by David Hussey. A solid start by Gilly didn't seem like it would be enough - at the end of the 19th over they still needed 21 to win. But a sensational final over, which Rohit Sharma faced most of, yielded 26 runs, and ensured that KKR continued its losing habit.

It wasn't without controversy though as Mortaza was no-balled in the early part of the over as one of the fielders wasn't within the circle. McCullum fought tooth and nail, but didn't manage to win the argument with the umpire. Poor McCullum I feel so bad for him, he showed so much determination today - being captain of KKR is very much like being CEO of Citi. Chief of a shiny, sinking ship.

Onto some blooperdom and today we feature a Ramiz Raja classic: "It's touch and go, and it's more go than touch." He really knows how to turn a phrase, with more phrase than turn. Also, check out a nice collection of these commentary classics from Cricinfo.

And is it just me or are the Zoozoos getting irritating? They were fine when they first appeared, but it's all too predictable now.

Day 28 - IPL 2

Battle of the North Indians was won by Punjab tonight. And everyone took a chance to hug Preity Zinta. A low total by Delhi ensured that they lost their third game, and made the points table much more crowded. Chennai's suddenly not hot tonight - and not only because it rained. Why did you lose, Delhi? Do you not like Chennai? Why so cocky, capital?

And speaking of South, check out this nice short story called 'In the South' by Rushdie - based in Besant Nagar, Chennai. There are some brilliant lines as usual, I leave with you with one of my favourites passages that talks about old age:

The old move through the world of the young like shades, unseen, of no concern. But the shadows see each other and know who they are.

Good night!

Day 27 - IPL 2

It's the first time in the history of the IPL that the Royal Challengers are living up to their team name. What a show beating Chennai and staying in the hunt to get to the semis! As a dozen people crowded around a PC at the office hoping for some of the Dhoni luck to rub off on their team, I had only one thought: "We're toast if Taylor is still there at the end." And toast we were. CSK is now more dependent on Hayden than India were on Tendulkar in the mid-90's - and that's a lot of dependence. Doesn't bode well for the team, even thought they've been winning. Hope they prove me wrong.

Then followed the best match of the IPL so far, even better than the super over one, given the state of the tournament.

Speaking of Sachin Tendulkar, today we saw a master stroke by the Mumbai think tank. "Why open with Sanath and Sachin?", they thought. "Why not make them bat when three wickets are down, the required run rate is ridiculously higher and most of the middle order has melted away?" And it was with this iron-clad philosophy that Mumbai almost muffed up a gettable target. Sachin came it at no 5, Duminy at 6 and Jayasuriya at 4. The supposedly injured Shane Warne was bowling beautifully and ended up with 3 wickets. It was his passion again that seemed to be egging the Rajasthan Royals on. (Was he playing despite the injury, or was he never injured? Can someone fill me in on this?) And then came Abhishek Nayar. Aur usne kya maara na-yaar! An unbelievable blitz of 35 pushed Mumbai right to the brink of victory, but KKR flu was in the air. Nayar got stumped. Only 6 runs were required from 8 balls. But the Royals prevailed after an unbelievable last over from Munaf Patel with two run outs. And that difference of two runs means that Mumbai move a step away from the semi-finals and the Royals, a step closer. What a match - so many twists, and the Royals win yet another very tight game - they have the gumption to do this over and over. Will that be the rush they need to defend their title? The next week shall reveal all!

And guess what, SRK's having a really bad time of late - his team plays with the IQ of Mandira Bedi , his cheerleaders couldn't perform in South Africa and it turns out that that Bollywood role for which those women were selected during the games is all hogwash. They're not going to be in any movie-shovie. Go figure!

Day 26 - IPL 2

A match between two of the best teams in the competition had to be a good one.

Just two overs of the Delhi Darevdevil's innings made all the difference in their getting to an imposing total of 173. One was faced by Dilshan and one by Karthik and they yielded 24 and 23 respectively spoiling the hard work of DC in the field.

The chase was on all the way through. Gilchrist was at his best despite a stretched hamstring (or so it seemed) and DC's chase was pretty much on his shoulders alone as far the number of runs and run rate were concerned. He had scored 64 out of a team total of 86 when he inside-edged Sangwan, the only bowler he really couldn't get after. No one else got beyond even run a ball or to double figures up to that point.

The Aussie show continued as Andrew Symonds threatened to do a Gilly. But he fell to the harmless looking Bhatia for 41 alongwith Dwayne Smith, leaving his team a few shy of the target. After which, as someone on Twitter said, DC did a KKR. Delhi's clear lead means that the battle for 4th place gets closer. None of the other teams including Chennai can let their guard down even for a bit now. What fun!

And IPL's creative 'guess the over' game has been withdrawn as it's been likened to gambling by some of our ministers and you know that Mr Modi runs away from anything our ministers sneer at.

Day 25 - IPL 2

Sorry for not adding a NSFW warning yesterday - my bad!

Determination is good in sport, but not when it's used to convert victories into losses. And so it came to pass that KKR of the mi-dust touch scored a total of 174 and lost comfortably to Mallya's boys. McCullum finally came good as fielder and batsman, but is still to come good as captain. Ross Taylor stitched together 81 from 33 balls to ensure that KKR's hole-digging continued to reach a new low. SRK's incentive to return continues to ensure that the team really works manfully against winning. Looking at McCullum though, you can't help but feel bad for him - he's like a strongman put in the middle of a nuclear battlefield. Fat lot of good those muscles do him.

Bravo to Mumbai who comfortably overtook KXIP's piddly totaly of 116 which was always going to be a low one when Duminy got Yuvraj out in his first over. KXIP's fortunes seemed to have reversed since Sreesanth got fit. His mediocre bowling and his basic fielding errors are only surpassed by his buffoonery. Tendlya finally coming into his own and making a decent-sized score and Lee steaming in like he did when he made his debut.

The table looks very interesting now. The last few games should see a desperate race to the finish with Rajasthan, Mumbai, Deccan, Bangalore and Punjab all vying for the last two spots in the semis. Much anticipation.

Also, I figured out Danny Morrison's sentence construction rule: A full stop. Is acceptable. At any point. In a sentence.

Sad IPL-related news - A man in Mumbai kills his son for watching the IPL. Men like him give drinking a bad name.

Day 24 - IPL 2

Another day of awful commentary, awful fielding, and great cricket.

Deccan Chargers started out with a bit of a setback. Gilly got Bucknored early in the match, or should I say bloody Baxtered? Still the Dwayne Smith-Andrew Symonds show pushed DC to a very good total of 166. Dwayne Smith's superb hitting gave one a little taste of what the great Sir Richards would have beeen doing to bowler's morales more than a couple of decades ago. There's no better sight than a West Indian batsman in full flow, is there?

Everyone's favourite team Royals started much like their opposition. Their Smith (Graeme) got slightly Bucknored again, this time by Kumara Dharmasena who has been fairly good in the tournament. From there though, things went downhill. A collapse was triggered after Asnodkar's run out and there was really nothing left to do but meekly surrender, making a scrappy 113. For a team that is supposed to be vying to retain their title this year, they certainly do seem to be a little light on batting.

On a lighter note, some 'expert' commentary exchange from today - Ranjit Fernando for an appeal, "Was it pitching outside leg stump?" The ball had actually pitched outside the off stump. Ramiz Raja replies, "You're absolutely right Ranjit. It was plumb, ball pitched in line and was hitting the stumps."
Are they even listening to each other?

Another one from Ranjit, "Yusuf Pathan goes right down the throat of Dwayne Smith, down in the deep." :-|

And is it just me or are the cheerleaders getting err... more s(k)inful looking? Esp, the Deccan Chargers and the Rajasthan Royals ladies. Well, something good had to come of moving the tournament out of India. Va-va-voom, I say!

pic courtesy: rainbowskill.com

Day 23 - IPL 2

MI vs RCB - kind of a boring match, actually. I don't think either of these teams are IPL champion material. Mumbai played well though, scoring 157 with Duminy and Rahane completing their half centuries. And RCB finished well short despite the efforts of Boucher towards the end.

Then it was the turn of ऊपर से first vs नीचे से first. And just when you thought that KKR couldn't sink any lower, they found it in themselves to dig a little deeper to a new bottom by setting a target of 124 on a good batting pitch and that too because of a late burst from Agarkar (the shame). DD, or as one commentator called them, DareDelhi, continued their superlative performance and completed a very clinical win over the hapless KKR. Does look like a DD vs CSK finals at this stage.

Ooh and BTW Ramiz Raja thinks that Laxman Sivaramakrishnan should do only day games. Hahahaha. Because it's so cold, get it?? Hahahahah. Get it? No? Neither do I.

SRK does not know cricket

For all of those who thing that SRK doesn't know cricket, you may be right. But he does know about brand management and business. KKR is the most valued franchise in the $2 bn IPL, and most of those brands come through SRK himself.