Obama mentions 'India' in 'Name, Place, Animal, Thing'

My post that investigates the mind of the average Indian reporter on Faking News: Obama mentions 'India' in 'Name, Place, Animal, Thing'.

Shahid Afridi's captaincy acceptance speech

After the recent appointment of Shahid Afridi as captain, the evergreen boy rounded up his team mates to inspire them to World Cup Glory. DH has an exclusive transcript of his speech.

Friends, team mates and people who know me from the past two decades of my 20's,

A dream has been fulfilled. No, I am not retiring again. I am here to tell you all that I have been named your Lord, master and captain.

We are a team that thrives on unpredictability. No question is as simple as it seems. Can a banned player get a President's award? Am I a leggie or a quickie? How long is a lifetime ban? Have I had breakfast? You never really know.

But there's one tournament where we have been predictable - the T20 World Cup. In the first edition, we came second and in the second edition we came first. This is not only a testament to our consistency, but also a pretty nifty arithmetic progression. According to my calculations, we should be on the negative side of the number line very soon. But enough ou already know about my mad math skillz from my complex age formula. So let me jump straight to the motivational part.

We must come together as a team now to play our first important series after the banning of Mohammed and Younis bhais. It won't be difficult - you lot have been lucky enough to be blessed with a dynamic leader. That tells me that the Pakistani team, especially me, has a lot of talent. I want every one of you to feel that pride.

Our past has not been perfect. But I'm not thinking of our flaws. I'm not thinking of the time when Misbah acted like a moron to scoop that catch up in the first T20 World Cup final or when people violated my privacy and saw me scrape the pitch against England. The time has come for us to forget those blemishes and step up. Let us practise hard starting today, so that we can fulfil my dream of becoming the youngest captain to win a T20 tournament, or at the very least get ahead in the race for becoming the Karachi City Cricket Association captain.

Are you all with me?

Behind the scenes of CSK vs KXIP match

On the Super Sunday of 21st of March 2010, another IPL match was meandering to a boring result. Suddenly the IPL Chief, in a Citi moment of success, reached for his Maxx Mobile and called the owners of the Chennai Super Kings and Kings XI Punjab. Here's what transpired.


Phone call 1
Lalit Kumar Modi: Hello, is this the India Cements guy?
India Cements Guy: Yes.
LKM: Dude, what is going on? Those Priety boys have crawled to a piddly total and you guys are in a crawl race to get there? Can you BE any more boring? Do you think you're making a footpath?
ICG: Lalit, it's a planned strategy for us to win...
LKM: I don't give a rats ass about your victory. Listen, this is not the cement industry, this is entertainment. Making solid structures is not the idea. Tell your batsmen to push it to the end and go to Super Over or something.
ICG: But, they're playing so well...
LKM: My mortar man, if I wanted quality, I would have invited Hema Malini to be a cheerleader. But you don't see that booty shaking around here, do you?
ICG: And after that?
LKM: After that booty shakes, there's no saying what will happen...
ICG: No, I mean after the super over.
LKM:.You guys make cement right? You'll put it together.
ICG: As sure as our jerseys are yellow, you will have a great match, Lalit. Our brand is about trust and quality and... hello? Hello?

Phone Call 2
LKM: Hi Priety.
PZ: Oh hiiiiii Lallu. I'm having so much fun, see how the boys are running na...
LKM: Please pass the phone to Ness Wadia.
PZ: Nessssiiiiee...
LKM: Ness, your team's getting creamed.
NW: I know, Priety doesn't understand the sport, she just likes men running around...
LKM: I'm not calling about that. I've told those yellow idiots to get out pretending to hit big shots.
NW: Did they have to make it that obvious? Gony's shot was ridiculous.
LKM: That's ok, as long as that guy who made that Facebook comic about me doesn't find out and blog about it, we should be ok. Listen, the idea is a super over.
NW: Ok cool. Hey, but please let us win na? We haven't won anything in a long while. Team is quite useless.
(Background: Priety screaming, "Hiiii Nesssssiiiiieeeee, they're all saying that Irfieee bowled a Super Over. i'm going 2 hug sum ppl!!!!!")
LKM: Ok, I will talk in code now.
NW: Why? Whatever.
LKM: The mongoose will be bitten by a snake and the Raina won't shower more than once.
NW: What?
LKM: Ok yaar, you can win this one. But only under one condition.
NW: Anything.
LKM: Yuvi must make arrogant-face. Deflects from his moobs and tummy. And gets good ratings.
NW: Consider it done.

 (Image courtesy: The Hindu)

Lalit Modi's Facebook activities - a webcomic

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India: Fight fire with ire

When it comes to fighting terrorism, India is a force to be reckoned with; armed with the most deadly anti-terror devices. No, I'm not talking about the fighter jets, defence expenditure increase or DRDO's latest technology; I'm talking warnings and directives.

We are the number one nation when it comes to issuing repeated warnings, with thousands issued in the last year alone. Let's face it - global warnings are our thing. We warn Pakistan after every terror strike, we warn Ajmal Kasab that we will hang him and sometimes we warn fishermen to not venture out into the sea during storms. These warnings also include terrifying details of how we are 'losing patience'. Hearing the hon'ble PM with his deadly baritone is enough to make the terrorists want to switch careers to charity. I hereby propose that we have a 'warning' ministry that issues warnings and a daily update on our patience levels with full gusto, so that nothing may go unwarned. Oh wait, we already have that.

The second weapon in the arsenal is issuing directives. For example, in Pune, there is a now terrorist-combating directive that is in place for the next 15 days. Two-wheeler riders are not allowed to wear scarves.  What's more is that, for women, this restriction is only in the Koregaon Park area -- they can wear scarves elsewhere in the city. Sure, this seems innocuous. But it's brilliant if you think about it. IF the terrorist is a dude, AND decides to take a joyride on a two-wheeler, AND is in the same area where he committed the crime, he MIGHT be snapped up by our security folks! My heart is overcome with feelings of safeness. I propose a Padmashree for the person who approved this brainwave. As a citizen of India, I really could not ask for anything more.

Be afraid, terrorists. Be very afraid.

(Image courtesy: http://vikrantshukla.blogspot.com/2008_12_01_archive.html)